How To Survive High School, A Satirical Guide


Ah, high school! That awkward teenage phase, that customary ritualistic sacrifice performed upon all of us and our frogs. Our to-the-point high school survival guide is here to save you, though. Take notes, friends. Some of these tips will save your life, others your self respect. 

Wear camouflage on your first day 

How To Survive High School, A Satirical Guide

To adjust, adapt and blend in, wear camouflage on your first day and hide behind trees. This comes especially handy if your school is near the woods or in a lush, mountainous area. 

 No class, no probs. 

Take an Ouija board along

How To Survive High School, A Satirical Guide

Is a teacher giving you a hard time in your English AP class? Carry a compact Ouija board with you and call on the spirits to reveal the monster’s secrets. 

This works best if your school was built on a graveyard.

Pack some Halloween scar tattoos

Show your gym teacher how badly you hurt yourself while riding your bike last night. Do you mind if I sit this class out?

For best effects, put a tiny amount of antibiotic ointment. What smells like medicine is medical. Period. 

Use vaporub below your eyes

How To Survive High School, A Satirical Guide

Lots of sniffs and teary eyes equals an hour in the sick room where you can study for your test that’s supposed to be after lunch break. If it doesn’t disgust you, put a little something in your nose and sneeze your way out of class. 

Blend in 

Forgot/ignored your homework and assignment, but your parents won’t let you call in sick?

Dress in overalls and water the grass and plants of your school. Blend in. #bethegardener

Carry an extra pair of undies on sporty days

So you can’t skip the gym, the football practice or your cheerleading routine? Well, give in and attend to your duties. 

Carry an extra pair of underwear because, believe it or not, someone’s going to hide yours just to mess with you. Better safe than sorry, huh?

Befriend the biggest and the baddest

How To Survive High School, A Satirical Guide
The biggest and the baddest, via Britannica

Save yourself from the trauma we all have gone through. Be smart, have a few tricks up your sleeves and befriend someone who can double as a bodyguard. 

None of us regret not being beaten into pulp. 

Record a voice note confirming your attendance and send it to your proxy

How To Survive High School, A Satirical Guide

Can’t attend some classes but running low on attendance? Send a voice recording of yourself to your friend to play when your name is called out. A Mission-Impossible style creepy face thingy is also a plus. 

If you don’t eat fast, you don’t eat 

How To Survive High School, A Satirical Guide

Look, someone or the other is gonna grab your salad or your fries or your yogurt. A bully or a friend, doesn’t matter. The best thing is to go full on gluttonous in the first three minutes of your lunch break and eat what you’ve got.  

Ride a bike to school instead of taking a bus 

How To Survive High School, A Satirical Guide

Riding a bike to school allows you to disappear any time you want. In freshman year, who wouldn’t want that? Heck, we want that even in senior year. 

And at last, take a chill-pill!

How helpful were our tips? Tell us in the comments below!

Necessity is the mother of invention, people. Learn how to make pancakes at office and in school .


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